


Cake

by fourcardflush



Category: Death Note
Genre: Crack, M/M, Multi, gratuitous amounts of cake, middle school humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 03:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4043974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourcardflush/pseuds/fourcardflush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>L's bet with Light to withhold from eating cake, or any other sweets for that matter, quickly leads to outrageous consequences thanks to the hormone-drive narrator</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Only the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm a twenty year old college student home for summer break. On one boring Saturday night I was going through my stuff and found an old external hard drive in my jewelry box, which by the way is filled with shitty costume jewelry all tangled up and useless and nothing else. Except, of course, for the hard drive. I felt a strong spiritual pull from it, like there was some sort of corrupted ghost file on it that would unleash a creepypasta demon into my electronics. 
> 
> Turns out I was half right. The hard drive contained several files from the mid 2000's. Among them was this crackfic that I wrote in the 7th grade which I never got around to publishing. After a quick read through, I determined that it was embarrassment inducing but also incredibly fucking hilarious.
> 
> This is a story I wrote when I was 13, presented with only minor edits for spelling. For my older readers, this fic may induce strong nostalgia of the fanfiction.net and livejournal fanfictions of yore. For my younger readers- let this serve as a grave lesson and warning.

Crunch. Crunch. CRUNCH.

 

Light flinched in annoyance. L was eating cake _again_?  Why?! It was so annoying.

 

Not to mention L never gained a pound. Ever. Jeeze, if Light ate _one friggin bag of potato chips_ he had to jog for hours just to burn it off.

 

It just wasn’t fair.

 

Not to mention the annoying smacks, slurps and crunching.

 

CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRUNCH.

 

Light couldn’t take it anymore! In one swift movement, he reached over and smacked the cake out of the detective’s hand.

 

L looked up in surprise. Did Light-kun just steal his cake? No, he had done worse. He had thrown the cake on the floor. He had murdered it.

 

‘ _Cake’_ he thought as he clenched his fist while looking at the remains on the floor  ‘ _You will be avenged.’_

 

Light stared at the older male for five whole minutes to see what he would do.

 

He didn’t do anything. Oh yeah. Crime without consequences.

 

As he settled back in his seat, he heard L whisper very quietly “You will pay, Light-kun.”

 

Light rolled his eyes “What are you going to do, eat cake on me?”

 

“No. I will play a flashback of me eating the cake.”

 

“Oh, come on! That’s not even possi-”

 

**Flashback**

_Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. CRU-_

“OK, I get it!” Roared Light. “Stop it! If it means that much to you, I’ll just buy a new one, alright?”

 

“There is no need for that, Light-kun.” said L calmly “I will simply ask Watari for a new one.”

 

“What?! All that for nothing?! Why you little…”

 

“Here is you cake, sir.” Said Watari “Double as ordered, I believe?”

 

“Yes, Watari.”

 

“And your doughnuts, sir.”

 

“Thank you, Watari.”

 

“Here are your pies, sir.”

 

“Much obliged, Watari.”

 

“Don’t forget your coffee with ten sugar cubes, sir.”

 

“Very good, Watari.”

 

“Anything else?”

 

“Yes. Please bring me a dozen cupcakes.”

 

“Yes sir. Right away.”

 

Light banged his head against the desk. Whyyyyy was he not faaaaaaaaat?!

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Light-kun. Did you want something, too?”

 

Light ground his teeth together. “No Ryuuzaki.”  he growled “I do not.”

 

“Hm. Light-kun seems grouchy. Perhaps he missed his nap time?”

 

_Please kill me now, God._

 

Unfortunately, God did not listen. Because this was not the end.

 

It was only the beginning.

 


	2. The Bet is On

24 hours later, Light had still not been forgiven for the whole “Cake Incident”.

 

“Oh, come _on_ , Ryuuzaki!” pleaded the young genius “It’s only a piece of cake! Just, you know, get another one.”

 

This was the worst possible thing to say.

 

“ _Only a piece of cake?_ ” The detective was not quite yelling, but his voice was definitely not calm. “Do you know, Light-kun, that every individual cake is important? _Every piece of cake is sacred._ ” He jabbed his fork in Light’s direction and leaned close to him. “Always remember that.” He whispered, his eyes wide.

 

Usually in a story, the older mentor gives fine words of wisdom to his younger student that would help him later in life. Light did not think this was the case, unless a new religion broke out that revolved around worshipping pastries.

 

Yup, he could just see it now. Jesus Crust.

 

“Ah, yeah, thanks for the advice.” he said after a very long and awkward five minutes of the two staring at each other.

“Yes, I know Light-kun, it is very wise.”

Light rolled his eyes “Yeah, I bet all Kira does is marvel over how sacred cake slices are. This must be a huge step in the Kira case.”

“Ah, but Kira _must_ appreciate cake,” L said, rattling the chain that linked him and his partner together. “I have already established that Kira has a superior intellect. Therefore, he must be near my intelligence level, or I would have caught him already. Therefore, he must be smart enough to like cake.” L settled back down in his seat. “And that,” he concluded “Is why Kira _must_ like cake.”

 

The younger of the two just stared. This guy was insane. But what were crazy people for? That’s right. To annoy.

 

“You claim cake is sacred. But what about fruit and vegetables? They promote good health and a strong body. Better than cake, which just makes you fat. Everyone should eat things like apples as opposed to something like a sugar cookie.”

 

He leaned back in his chair and counted down 3,2...1.

 

“LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” hissed L. “Nothing but filthy lies. Fruit is good to put on cake, yes, but nothing else.”

‘Again with the cake! Ryuuzaki, I’m beginning to think you’re a sugar addict!”

“I am not! I can stop whenever I want to.”

Light grinned. “Oh yeah? How about right now?”

 

L paused. Stop the cake? _Now?_ But…it was so good! Besides, what would Cake think? How could he just abandon it? This cake had feelings. It had a life. It was holy. No, it was pure nonsense to think he would give up his beloved cake.

 

On the other hand, maybe Light-kun was right. Maybe he was a sugar addict. Did Light-kun taste like sugar? He didn’t know. Mmm…sugar.

 

But on the other hand, he _loved_ cake. He _needed_ cake. I mean, c’mon…it was cake!

 

Maybe there is a possibility he wasa sugar addict. In that case…

 

“Alright Light-kun, I will take you up on you offer.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, the sugar thing.”

“That was five hour ago!”

“Yeah, well, you know, it is cake after all.”

 

Light groaned. This was going to be a long and hard seven days.

 

“What do you mean seven days?! I can’t go without cake for seven days!”

“…I didn’t say anything.”

 

Oh shit. He can hear me. Well gotta go. Until next chapter: Day 1!

 

“Wait!” cried L. “Come back!”

 

‘Oh yeah,’ thought Light ‘ _definitely_ insane.’

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Our Narrator Cuts to the Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light hesitated before asking.  
> "L...are you gay?"

Light found himself awake in the middle of the night. This was extremely odd, because he usually was a deep sleeper and slept the entire night.

 

  Of course, recently before being handcuffed he had not gotten much sleep, as if someone had been watching him. But that was impossible! He did not recall anyone staying in his room for the night. Unless, of course, he had been haunted, but he laughed at the thought. What could have been haunting him? A ghost? A shimigami? _Ha._ he thought.

 

 But the point was, he did not sleep well if someone was watching him. And from this he could draw only one conclusion: Elmo was after him again.

 

Yes, strange as it seems, Light had a childhood fear of being stalked by the furry red Sesame Street character. Ever since he was three and started watching the nauseating show, he would always run screaming from the room whenever he saw the red Muppet. _Everything_ was evil about him: I mean, come on! He even gets a whole world to himself, and what does he call it? Elmo’s World. Of course. And don’t get me started on his evil laugh.

 

On Light’s eighth birthday, his mother told him she had gotten him a very special gift. Light happily tore the paper wrapping only to discover his arch enemy had already taken his gift and waited inside the box, waiting to attack.  The frightened eight year old had quickly gotten gasoline, poured it on Elmo, and lit a match.

 

Although his enemy had been destroyed, for some reason no one had come over his house for a long time. They probably were afraid of Elmo’s evil remains.

 

But now he was back! Light didn’t know _how_ , but somehow that red devil had returned!

There was only one thing to do now; he would have to kill Elmo again.

 

He could hear the footsteps coming to the edge of the bed. This is it! Without a second thought, Light leapt out of bed on to his attacker.

 

“I have you  now, bitch!” He snarled “You are so fucked. By the time I’m done with you, you won’t be able to move.”

 

“Ah, Light-kun. I didn’t know you felt that way about me” Said the figure beneath him.

“I was under the impression you were into girls, yes? Unless you are bisexual?”

 

“What the- _L_?”

 

L leaned up into a sitting position and took the remains of the pie that was on his plate.

“Where you expecting someone else?’

 

“Well no I- wait a minute! You’re eating pie!”

“So?”

“Ryuuzaki, pie is a pastry. This means you lose the ‘No Eating Pastries For A Week bet.”

“Wrong. Pie is not a pastry. It’s a fruit.”

“No it’s not!”

“Yes it is! It is simply baked fruit with bread around the edges.”

“That’s a pitiful excuse!”

“Your mom is a pitiful excuse!”

“At least my mom’s _alive_!”

“Why you little…!”

 

L jumped on Light and two wrestled while hurling insults at each other.

 

“Mama’s boy!”

“Freak show!”

“You have brown hair!”

“So?”

“Your _mom_ has black hair, your _dad_ has black hair, even your _sister_ has black hair! But you don’t! It’s unnatural!”

“No it’s not!”

“Yes it is! You’re Japanese! You should have black hair!”

 

Actually, it is pretty creepy.

 

“See! Even the narrator agrees!”

“Oh shut up narrator!” Snarled Light.

 

Hey! Watch it! I write this thing you know. I could make you suddenly die for no apparent reason.

 

“Oh yeah? Like how?”

 

Suddenly, a truck burst through the wall and into the room. It just barely missed L, but plowed right on top of Light until he was nothing but a bloody pancake.

 

“I think you proved yourself” said L, sweat dropping. “But you basically just ruined the plot.”

 

You don’t even know what the plot is.

 

“True, but I do know it probably needs Light-kun in it.”

 

Alright, fine…

 

Light found himself back to life and completely whole thanks to a passing fairy godmother. However, the wish came with a price, for neither Light nor L remembered about Light’s sudden death or the narrator. They could never hear the narrator again,

either.

 

In fact, the whole thing was a dream.

 

Light woke up with a start. _What a strange and horrible dream._ He thought.

 

He glanced at his digital clock. It was 2 am. He was about to go back asleep when suddenly he heard a very familiar sound.

 

_Crunch Crunch Crunch._

 

This could only mean only thing: L was eating pie.  He turned over to L’s side. “Ah HA!” He shouted, only to find L eating a Fat Free All Natural Honey Crunch Bar TM.

 

Well, waddaya know?

 

Suddenly, something horrible happened. This horrible thing created weeks of tension and doom between our two favorite characters. In fact, this thing is so horrible I dare not say it, but I must. Only then, dear reader, will you fully understand the most horrible and awkward moment in Light’s life:

 

He had to go to the bathroom.

 

This was usually not a problem, except that L has recently shortened the chain after the whole ‘Cake Incident’ as punishment. Thus, if Light wanted to pee, L would have to go with him.

 

Very, very awkward.

 

Light got out of bed and started making his way to the restroom.

 

“Where are you going, Light-kun?” Asked L.

Light muttered something under his breath

“Sorry, what was that?”

“IsaidIhavetopee.”

“What?”

“I HAVE TO PEE, ALRIGHT?”

L rolled his eyes. “No need to get so upset, Light-kun. Let’s go then”

 

They both made their way inside the restroom. Light paused when he got to the toilet.

 

“I’m sorry, Ryuuzaki, but could you perhaps…turn around?”

L shook his head. “Sorry Light-kun, no can do. I have to monitor you, remember?”

“But-”

“No buts.”

Light sighed. “Could you at least not stare at it?”

L blinked “I suppose…”

“Thank you”

 

Light unzipped his fly and started to relieve his bladder when he noticed (you guessed it!) L staring at it.

 

“L!”

“I’m sorry Light-kun, but it’s just so…big.”

A faint blush appeared on Light’s features as he zipped back up.

 

“Well…you know..”

 

“I bet your dad’s is even bigger.”

 

Light banged his head in the doorway

“Ryuuzaki!”

“What?”

Light hesitated before asking.

“L…are you gay?”

L blinked “Whatever made you think that?”

 

Light sighed in relief.

“Good. Because for a moment there I thought-”

“I’m bisexual.”

“Oh. Well, excuse me for a moment.”

 

He went into the bathroom alone and shut the door.

 

Then he screamed.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This seems like a good cliffhanger. Expect an update within the next day!


	4. Sexual Assault for the Sake of Justice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light stared at it for a long time.
> 
> “Wow,” he said finally. “It’s…huge!”

Light stared at it for a long time.

“Wow,” he said finally. “It’s…huge!”

 

L nodded “I know.”

 

“I…I don’t think I’ve ever seen any bigger!”

 

“Well, it is one of my accomplishments.”

 

“It’s so finely shaped, too.”

 

“Yup.”

 

“It looks good. Can I taste it?”

 

“Of course.

 

“Can I touch it?”

 

“No, not now. It just came out, so it’s probably still hot.”

 

Light nodded. “You’re probably right. Wow, look at it oozing!”

 

The two detectives were sitting on the bed, staring at the chocolate cake L had just baked. Usually, Light did not care for sweets, but this was different.

 

This was cake.

 

Not just any cake, but a chocolate ooey-gooey one that Light so very much loved.

And, of course, L knew it. Ever since he had revealed to the deliciously young detective he was bisexual, Light had locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out. No matter how many times L assured him that he would _not_ try to molest or have sex with him, Light stayed barricaded in his bleach-smelling fortress.

 

After a bit of research, the world-famous detective had found Light-kun’s weakness- chocolate cake.

 

So L got to work and eventually lured Light out with a pan or two.

 

“You know Light-kun, I was under the impression you weren’t the type to like cake.”

Light ran his tongue around his finger to lick off the remaining chocolaty bits.

“Well, there are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” he said sexily.

 

L’s pants started to bulge ‘No! Bad L,’ he thought. ‘No having sex with Light-kun.’

 

But then again, he _was_ 18\. Maybe….

 

NO! It could not be. Light was too innocent and pure. He could not do that to a mere child.

 

 Unless he was Kira. Then he _wouldn’t_ be innocent, so technically he _could_ have sex with him. But then if he _was_ Kira, he _wouldn’t_ want to have sex with him. Well, at least he _thought_ he didn’t. But damn, did Light look sexy when he was tied up in his cell or what? Maybe if he was Kira, he could have sex with him and use the excuse he was doing it for research to see if homosexuals were evil or not? Yeah, that would work.

 

Light cocked his head to one side “What’s up, Ryuuzaki?”

 

“Oh, just thinking about what would happen if you were Kira.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Oh, you know… chains, ropes, whips, handcuffs, leather, a bandana to cover the eyes, chocolate, whip cream-”

 

“What do you mean chocolate and whip cream?”

 

“Whoops, did I say that? I must be hungry.”

He headed for the kitchen, dragging Light in tow.

“The point is, Kira has been very bad, so he has to be punished.”

“I see.”

The older of the two took out another pan of cake and poured whip cream on it.

“What if I _were_ Kira, L?” Asked the younger. “Would you punish me as hard?”

“I’m afraid I would have to punish you even harder, Light-kun. If Kira were in the police force, that would mean he was very, very bad. I’d have to punish you hard, and I’d have to punish you _a lot_.”

“Hmmm.. That doesn’t sound appealing.”

 

L raised an eyebrow. “Really? You might like it.”

 

“What?!”

 

“Er, nothing. How about we take a shower- I mean watch TV?”

 

“Um… okay.”

 

“What do you want to watch? BET?”

 

“Nah.”

 

“How about Spike?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Dude, you are no fun.”

 

“Oooooooh. Are you sure I’m not being _bad_ Ryuuzaki?”

 

“Well maybe you are. I guess I’m gonna have you punish you.”

 

“Yeah right. Now turn to the news.”

 

“I’m sorry, Light-kun, but you shouldn’t speak to your elders that way.”

 

“…I shouldn’t?”

 

“No. I guess I’m going to have to spank you.”

 

“Wha-”

 

Light was interrupted as L grabbed him and threw him onto his knee. He took the palm of his hand and started to whack Light’s firm behind.

 

WHACK

 

“Ow.”

 

WHACK

 

“Ow!”

 

WHACK

 

‘Ow! Dammit Ryuuzaki!”

 

Oh yeah. This is what L had always wanted. Light on him, him spanking the young detective and him screaming his fake name. Mmm….

 

“Augh! L, your erection is poking me!”

 

“Really? My bad,” said L, letting go of Light -kun.

 

“Ryuuzaki, what the hell was that?!”

 

L shrugged “Hey, don’t blame me,” he said “it’s the narrator’s fault.”

 

 


	5. A New Kira Suspect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, revenge was sweet

For some reason, Light did not believe L’s “narrator” excuse. In fact, he had lengthen the chain between the two. This meant that the eighteen-year-old could go to the bathroom in privacy, much to L’s dismay.

 

  To get revenge on said younger detective, L had invited a certain Misa  Amane  to stay with them over the weekend. He decided that this was an appropriate weekend because Misa was in her “cycle”, and so was even more talkative than normal. (Don’t ask how he knew).

 

Ah, revenge was sweet.

 

 

“Light?”

 

“…”

 

“Light?”

 

“…”

 

“ _Light?”_

“…”

 

“LIGHT-KUUUUUUUUUUUN!”

 

“…”

 

“Lightlightlightlightlightlightlightlightlightlightlight-”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

 

Light ground his teeth together “You’re gorgeous, Misa.”

 

“Light?”

 

“…”

 

“Light?”

 

“…”

 

“Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht.”

 

 

 “What?!”

 

“Do you mean it?”

 

L snickered behind his cake.

 

Light turned around and glared at the older detective.

 

“I’m sorry _L_ ” snarled Light “Do you think something is funny?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Please clarify.”

 

“Well, quite frankly, I think you and Misa are too far apart.”

 

“…What?”

 

“Yes, Light-kun. In fact, maybe Misa should be chained to you instead of me.”

 

The expression on Light’s face was priceless.

 

“B-but I thought I was a suspect.”

 

“You will still be under surveillance, Light-kun. I think it is a good idea, because then I can keep an eye on both of you at once.”

 

Misa squealed in delight

 

“Oh! Does that mean I can shower with Light-kun and eat with Light-kun and sleep in the same bed as Light-kun and watch TV with Light-kun all around the clock?”

 

“Yes.”

 

The model started to dance.

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Misa.” Light said nervously.

 

“Why not, Light-kun? We could have sex every night now! With a chain! Won’t that be kinky?”

 

L grinned with glee. This was getting better and better.

“Can I talk to you for a second, Ryuuzaki?” asked the younger man as he dragged him out of the room. Once they were out of earshot of the-other-idiot-whose-name-starts-with-an-M-besides-Matsuda, Light said

 

“Ok, what do I have to do?”

 

“Whatever do you mean, Light-kun.”

 

“You know what I mean. I  don’t want Misa trying to rape me every night.”

 

“Fine. Suck my cock.”

 

“What?”

 

“You heard me. Get down on you knees and Suck. My. Cock.”

 

“No!”

 

“Fine. Good luck showering with Misa.”

 

Light stared at him. Finally, he sighed in defeat, got down on his knees and-

 

Excuse me.

 

Light looked up. “Yes narrator?”

 

Well, I don’t mean to interfere, but you don’t actually have to do it.

 

“I don’t?”

 

No. I could just kill Misa right here, right now.

 

“Really? You’d do that for me?”

 

Sure. I hate that little air head.

 

“Ok. Please do so.”

 

Misa suddenly became suicidal and jumped out the window. Needless to say, she didn’t survive.

 

“Hm, very clever, narrator.” said L “But there is a flaw in your plan.”

 

And what would that be?

 

“You are now number one on my list of suspects for Kira.”

 

Oh. Well, quite frankly, I don’t see how you could arrest me.

 

“Good point narrator-chan. But I will find a way.

 


	6. The Narrator Attempts to Coerce Statutory Rape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.

It was another hectic day at Task Force headquarters. As usual, L was eating sweets, Light was getting annoyed at L for eating sweets, and Matsuda was being Matsuda.

 

That is, a moron.

 

“Oh! Ryuuzaki, I think Kira may have a new power!”

 

“And what would that be, coffee boy?”

 

“He can control the narrator! _That’s_ why you’re gay in this fanfic!”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“…Matsuda?”

 

“Yes, Ryuuzaki?”

 

“Please go somewhere and die now.”

 

“…”

 

“Oh, and Matsuda?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Get me some coffee while you’re at it.”

 

I don’t even want to know how that idiot broke the fourth wall. But in any case, he knows too much…

 

Suddenly, a figure burst through the wall and shot Matsuda. It was Mello.

And I don’t mean the wimpy Mello that belongs in this season. No. This was the badass _Season 2_   Mello.

 

Oh yeah.

 

And how did Matsuda hear me anyway?

 

“Maybe your powers aren’t as great as you think.” Snarled Light.

 

What?! Oh, that’s it…

 

Light leaned forward and kissed L fully on the mouth while running his tongue along the older male’s.

 

Light jumped out of his chair and started spitting out L’s saliva.

 

“Ew ew EW! That was just uncalled-for!”

 

Hey, you brought it on yourself, bitch.

 

“…I’ll get you for this.”

 

Oh, stop complaining. I could have written something like

 

Light started to nibble on L’s neck. “Oh, that feels good Light-kun.” moaned L

“But I think I prefer _this_ position,” he growled, flipping himself on top of the boy. Light didn’t mind, because he liked being the uke.

 

“ _That’s enough.”_ Roared Light

 

Matsuda, stop drooling. L, get rid of that erection _now._ Dad, I’ll explain later, ok?”

 

“How about now?” said Mr. Yagami, dragging his son into the hall

 

Once Light was out of sight, L slipped $20 to the narrator.

 

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mr. Yagami was asking his son what the fuck was going

 

“What the fuck is going on?” ask Mr. Yagami.

 

“Hey! I’d like to see your life taken over by an insane yet wildly sexy narrator!”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“I take it the ‘sexy’ part was the narrator’s doing.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh, well. Why else would I fuck Matsuda, after all?”

 

“HEY!” he roared.

 

Sorry, I couldn’t resists.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“So… how did I get here anyway?” asked the uber sexy Mello.

 

“I don’t know, Mello. It must be another cheap plot devise.” said L “Although I must say, I never imagined you grown up with so much…tight leather pants. Are you a gigolo?”

 

“Actually, I’m a mafia boss.”

 

“What?”

 

“Well, I had to take my anger out _somehow_ when you died.”

 

“…”

 

“..Oops.”

 

“I DIE?! WHY?! I HAD AN EVEN BIGGER FAN BASE THAN LIGHT-KUN! THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FRIGGIN UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!”

 

“Ow.  Headache.”

 

L looked up angrily at the ceiling “Narrator…” he growled.

 

Hey, don’t look at me. I had nothing to do with this. Blame the original writers.

 

“Narrator?” asked Mello.

 

Yes my deliciously sexy super bad chocolate eating Mello-kun?

 

“…OK. Anyway, why did you bring me here?”

To kill Matsuda. Also, I just like looking at you. Do you want to have sex by the way?

 

“No”

 

Why not?!

 

“Well first of all, who am I going to have sex with, the air? And second of all, I don’t even know you.”

 

 

“You’re sounding a lot like Misa, Narrator-chan.”

 

Holy shit, you’re right. Ah well, I’ll find a way.

 

“I’ll have sex with you!” said Matsuda cheerfully.

 

Mello shot him. Again.  



	7. Everything Fucking Goes to Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because that’s what happens when you reject the person who is running your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dignity almost didn't let me post this chapter, but in the end I decided to for the sake of posterity.

The Narrator was walking down the street. She wanted a soda.

 

For the sake of the story, let’s say her name was Jane (A/N;NOT my real name)

 

Jane was going to get some orange soda and a bag of twizzlers.  Then she was going home to watch _Heroes._

 

Oh yeah. Sylar is _sexy_.

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Interrupted Light. “What does this have to do with anything?!”

 

You’ll see. Now shut up.

 

So anyway, the super smart and good looking Jane with a cute boyfriend was walking to the store, when an idea hit her. It hurt.

 

 

But seriously, the idea was _‘What if this was both a L/Light yaoi and a Mello/Near love-hate?’_

 

So anyway, that’s why Near is here.

 

“Wait a minute! I have to go with _Near_?!” asked Mello in disbelief. “Matt is ok, L I can handle, even Linder is fine, but Near? Why?!”

 

Because that’s what happens when you reject the person who is running your life.

 

“Crap. So I fall in love with him?”

 

Kinda. It’s love/hate, so there’s a lot of angst.

 

“What is I just shoot him now?”

 

Then I’ll make you miss and land in your ass.

 

“So I have to kiss him?”

 

“3.5% chance you will be a good kisser.” said Near in a bored tone.

 

“Shut up Near. Do I?”

 

No, you don’t kiss him.

 

“Good.”

 

You make out with him.

 

“What?! Shit Narrator, I thought you _liked_ me!”

 

I do. But not enough to spare you from my favorite angst yaoi couple.

 

“Hey!”

 

Sorry, L. Second favorite, aside from L/Light.

 

“L, you pervert.”

 

“Sorry Light-kun, but I do want to do you.”

 

“What?!”

 

“Yeah. With whipped cream.”

 

“Wow, L, that was really brave.”

 

“And why is that, idiot?”

 

“Because his father is right there with a fully loaded gun in his holster.”

 

“That’s right. L, I am going to shoot you in the ass if you ever try anything on my son.”

 

“Too late. I already saw his penis.”

 

“What?! Son, is this true?”

 

“Yeah. He likes to watch me pee.”

 

“Holy shit.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Mello, give me your gun for a second.”

 

Mello, however, was too busy on top of Near, who was quietly crying out under him.

When the albino’s hand went in his pants however, it was Mello’s turn to moan.

 

“Wow.”

 

“Crap.”

 

“What the fuck?”

 

“Holy shit.”

 

“Cool.”

 

“What do you mean ‘cool’ Matsuda?”

 

Everyone glared at him.

 

“Oh. Sorry.”

 

“You should be.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Totally”

 

“Get the hell out of here and get me more coffee.”

 

And so he did. Poor Matsuda.

 

And that’s when he found the Death Note.

 

Dun dun DUN. Cliffhanger…

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately (or fortunately) the story ends there, so that cliffhanger is never resolved. I hope that doesn't ruin your day.  
> Since I'm the original author, then let's just say that Matsuda accidentally starts killing people because he thinks the Note is a diary, and in the end just fucking writes his own name down and kills himself.


End file.
